


Sometimes Hoes are worth putting over Bros

by Myster_J



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bromance to Romance, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23770204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myster_J/pseuds/Myster_J
Summary: Your name is DIRK STRIDER and you have a massive crush on this guy in tiny shorts named JAKE ENGLISH. On one hand, you are a DASTARDLY handsome lad, all cool with your stoic face and awesome katana gifted by the world's greatest otaku and all, but on the other, you've never been in fucking love before. And to that you say, fuck. What more could a bro need besides another bro to be his wingman in cases like these? But in this case, its a hoe. Your MAIN hoe, ROXY LALONDE.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde & Dirk Strider
Comments: 16
Kudos: 21





	1. Crushes are weird as hell

Your name is DIRK STRIDER.

Today is a normal day like any other in your apartment, located somewhere in Houston, Texas. Except this time, it wasn't just your floor there, surrounded by an ominous body of water, but you wouldn't know since it's never happened and you don't see why it would. It's not like an alien empress is going to take over your planet anytime soon and melt the ice caps to drown out everything from several floors under your own floor. Now that's just stupid, you thought.

There you are, sitting at your working desk, staring blankly at your desktop that has your drawing program running. You are looking for some inspiration to hopefully draw something, perhaps fanart of your favourite web comic or even original work of your own. But originality? You? Unheard of. If that was so then you'd have come up with a narrative of your own by now, but look at where you are at this instant. Artist block? Most likely. But in your defense, all that remains in your mind at the time was a MASSIVE crush that you had obtained only recently, after being friends with said crush for so long. JAKE ENGLISH is his name. And what a nice ring it has in your ear indeed. You start chewing gently on the nib of your stylus, enough to keep you preoccupied, but not enough to destroy your stylus entirely. 

What if you just, hypothetically, make art of you and him? You thought. That would be cringey, but it sure as hell would satisfy your teenage dream to have him on your menu one of these nights. Not happening anytime soon, though, you shook your head. What a load of baloney.

You place your stylus by your drawing tablet, waiting for inspiration to strike, eager to create art of you and the man of your dreams. This is ridiculous, you thought. Though as ridiculous as you opt to be, you still wanted to do it. Let's see, what sort of unlawful activities would you like to do with this man on this fine day?

Maybe we could... Maybe we could hold hands, you think to yourself.

You then throw your head back, pressing your hands against your face in frustration. The thought of doing such a thing with him was already enough to drive you crazy. You? And Jake English? Holding hands before marriage? That's kinda gay bro. 

Though you couldn't deny it. You want that man and you want him fast. Your desire is insatiable except when you are provided with one (1) thing. In retrospect, after you ponder the possibilities for God knows how long, you find the odds of that happening are slimmer than the slick ass strands of hair located on your mad rad awesome head.

It could always be just you. You know, what with being a pessimistic little asshole and all.

Enough stalling and your very depressing monologuing, let's get on with the plot now.

You decide to pester your best she-friend, ROXY LALONDE.


	2. T-pose to assert dominance

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Roxy. I need serious help.  
TG: hiw so?

Wait a minute. What are you thinking relying on Roxy to help you out on a situation like this? She probably has better things to do. Cant you bail your _self_ out? God. That's just pathetic. 

TG: lemne guess  
TG: did u get intwo an artists bloxk agian?

You pause. Well, she's not entirely wrong, though. I mean, you _do_ have an artist's block, but that's not exactly your main problem here. She really is missing the big picture but you yourself are not prepared for when she actually sees it. Not that you dont trust her or anything but it's just super embarrassing yo.

TT: Yes.

That was all you managed to say. Really, you don't recall on misplacing your swagger anywhere but this is one of the times you seem to have it missing and you are not very happy about it. Not very happy at all :( 

TG: i sea  
TG: hm  
TG: well waht do u want me 2 do? 

She seems to be too drunk to be in a proper, heartfelt conversation right now, but you really need somebody and she's the closest you've got. You can't go macking on Jake at Jane now can you? You shudder at the thought.

Roxy's been there for you through thick and thin, and so have you for her. It would only be right if you chose her to talk to this about. 

Plus Jane's massive crush on Jake couldn't be more obvious. She's had her eyes on him for far longer than you have, and it's starting to make you a tad intimidated by the lass. 

While the thought of being able to bond with her over your mutual interests in Jake sounds like every stereotypical pre-teen female dream, you're not having any of it. You can't stand the thought of sharing that man, not even as an interest with someone else. And you honestly can't understand why stereotypical pre-teen females could.

Like, how does that even begin to be comprehensible-

TG: dirky u there?  
TT: Yeah.  
TG: kinda took u a whiel to respnd there  
TG: *respond lol  
TT: Listen, Roxy. It's not just the art block.  
TG: ooh lemme take anothee guess.  
TT: Shoot.  
TG: u got a crush? ;) 

Whoa how did she know? Now this is what I call a bffsy. Someone who can predict what you're gonna say before you even say it. 

On second thought, that's a little too real and can be scary as hell so let's not dive into that right now.

TT: How did you know?  
TT: And how come that just so happens to be your first second guess?   
TG: saw it coming form a mile awya  
TG: *away  
TG: lmoa  
TG: whos da lucky guy  
TG: or do i hv to guess dat 2? ;)  
TT: Unreal.  
TG: what kindsa bffsy wiuld i be if i couldnt guesz who ur crush was?   
TG: plus ur hellsa obv abt it  
TG: almpst as obv as janey  
TG: *almost  
TG: and u 2 are crushin on da same fuckin GUY  
TG: janey first tho  
TT: Janey first indeed.

Now, you get that having a crush later or earlier than someone on someone doesn't define your likeliness to get said crush, but still, Jane had her eyes on him first and you sort of feel guilty for swooping in on whatever she has going on for her without warning. Especially if you end up being the guy who gets the guy. Jane would probably hold a grudge against you for forever! You can't do that to her, she's your friend! One of your closest, to boot. You can't stand the thought of bringing that shit upon another soul. And what if you ended up breaking up after a while-

TG: dont let dat intimidatr u tho  
TT: How can I not?  
TT: Jane's my friend.  
TG: so waht  
TG: janeys MU friend 2  
TG: *my  
TG: a competitiin is a ocmpetition  
TG: froend of fie  
TG: *friend  
TG: *foe lmoa  
TG: think of it this wya:  
TG: if u and janey were in a baking comp togethre  
TG: i can confidnetly say that she wouldnt hesitaet 2 kick ur ass  
TG: u see what i mena?  
TG: *mean

She has a point though. Crocker definitely wouldnt hesitate even a second to whip not only the cream, but your fine ass as well. She does love herself some good ol pastry work. It comes to you as a very peculiar thing, to say the least, but you aren't complaining, because she makes the meanest tiny pies you're sugoi tastebuds have ever encountered. Delicious. Your mouth is salivating just thinking about it. Though not as bad as when you think of-

TG: u kno what i kno juts what u need  
TT: Oh yeah?  
TG: yeha  
TT: And what might that be?  
TG: some balls lmfao

Ooh, she hit you right where it hurts, she done did.

TG: look all m sayin is juts talk 2 him  
TG: like u always do  
TG: it not like ull die if u dont confeses 2 him immedtately  
TG: *confess  
TG: take ur time lol no rush  
TT: Easy for you to say.  
TT: You don't have a rival who's your close and personal friend.  
TG: dats what ur worried about?  
TG: el em to da ayy to da o, mah bro  
TG: hey u dint hear dis from me, but uve got real swagger compared 2 janey aight  
TG: ure hot as hell like wtf *swoon*  
TT: Haha, yeah I get it.  
TT: We don't even know if Jake likes boys.  
TG: welp only one way to find out  
TT: Wait.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]


	3. Wow so he's kinda oblivious huh

In this chapter of the story, your name is JAKE ENGLISH.

You have just finished watching several movies deemed shitty by your friends and you have come to terms that they aren't as bad as they say it to be. That Nic Cage guy's a real banger, you say. Nobody could go wrong with that. Call you a movie nerd but when you see a good movie, it's a good movie, you know? Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do. All you're waiting to do now is just to spend some quality time with Grandma Jade once she gets back from her escapade down over at her physics lab. You could make pumpkin cookies together. Or maybe you could tend to her botanical garden. Now isn't that just wholesome?

You live with your grandmother in a several-story house that might as well pass as a sky-scraper. Your house had so many stories that it might as well be a library, haha funny, because neither of you like to read.

But seriously though, if you were to go on the topmost floor, you could see the entire tri state area- Hm, I don't think I'm allowed to make that refrance on main, but if you were to go on the topmost floor, you could see across the meadows and forests that surround your house that stands in between you and the rest of civilisation.

You're bored. You're afraid the high quality movies you're watching just wont cut it to rid you of your boredom. But you aren't allowed to go play outside, with or without pistols to defend yourself from the beasts in the forests or even to just look cool. Well, you are, but getting up is a hassle. You'd rather just lie on the couch all day. It's just one of those days today, boys. Plus, you're still looking forward to spending time with your grandma. Won't be long now.

As if right on cue, a certain mistress' message pings on your phone, signifying that there is a potential for you to entertain yourself with her. 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

TG: hiya jakeyyy  
GT: Why hello there roxy!  
TG: yeah im finna juts cut 2 da chase  
TG: skip da formslities and all dat  
TG: *frmalities  
TG: *from  
TG: *form lol  
TG: u like boys? 

What in the blazes is going on with her? Why would she ask you that question out of the blue? I mean, of COURSE you like boys. Like, you ARE a boy. And you respect fellow boys under the boy code, scouts honour.

GT: Well i AM a gent myself.  
GT: So of course i do!  
TG: wow

You have amazed her with your manliness. Cheers to you, then. You have probably left her at a loss for words on how solid your respect for the boy code was.

TG: no i mean LYK like  
TG: Like LIKE like  
GT: Like LIKE like?  
TG: yea like LIKE like LIKE like  
GT: Like like like like like.  
TG: omg

If you're being honest, you're not catching a thing this fine madam is saying. At this point, you think she's only trolling you by repeating the word like over and over again. She's a funny lass. You like like like like like her a lot. 

TG: jakey ur a great gyu and all but pls

Aww, she thinks you're great! Well, you think she's great too. She's quite a fine pal, you think to yourself, the kind to be there for HER pals through whatever.

GT: You're pretty swell too if i do say so myself roxy dearest!  
TG: ok swoon  
TG: haha i can kiiiiinda see y ur so attractive??  
TG: kinda  
TG: other then rhat   
TG: well  
TG: eh  
GT: Whatever could you mean?  
TG: hey i axed u first  
GT: ?  
TG: u like boys?  
TG: y/n  
GT: I do love my fellow men  
TG: oh em eff gee  
TG: uh how do i say this  
TG: do u <3 boys  
GT: Well.. Of course?   
GT: What do you want me to say??  
TG: JAKE FUCKING ENGLYSH ARE YOU GAY  
GT: Gay as ever with YOU here with me!  
TG: ur lucky ur so cute

She thinks you're cute! Could she probably be coming onto you? You couldn't tell. So many had come onto you in the past and you couldn't tell now just as much as you couldn't tell then. Of course, you don't realise that since you never realise anything until it slaps you in the face and kicks you in the nuts. You are an idiot. Ignore me. 

TG: pls jake  
TG: u had to answer ONE qustion  
TG: UNO  
TG: pls jake im crying  
GT: Oh no!  
GT: Dont cry roxy im sorry :(  
TG: ok 1 not literally  
TG: 2 u dont hv 2 apologise it wusnt ur falut  
TG: *fault  
TG: 3 im crying harder  
GT: Gee rox i would wipe your tears if i could but you're just too far away!  
TG: dats so sweet tho holy shit  
TG: ok ur makin me passiev agressive n frustrated  
TG: so i hv 2 b straight w u huh  
TG: which is ironic cuz this aint what its all about  
GT: Its not straight?  
GT: By jove roxy could you be talking about homosexuality?  
TG: YES FUCK  
TG: FUCKIN FINALLY

Ohhhhhhh, so that's what she's been going on about? Jesus, she could have made it clearer! Always with the subtlety and vagueness, that Roxy. Of COURSE that kind of stuff would fly over your head. Albeit she was very obvious about it and you're just... how do i put this nicely... uh, EXTREMELY STUPID, again, you wouldn't know that because you're too oblivious and absent minded to. Like, you literally have an absent mind. 

Your grandmother is a fucking physicist, Jake, would at least SOME of that genius genetics pass down to you? I'm afraid not. You are a far cry from genius. If there was a direct opposite word for genius that has an equal amount of emphasis on it as the word genius itself, YOU ARE THE UNIT OF THAT. You are a literal boob. End of story.

GT: Oh.

Oh indeed.


	4. Why do you like this guy anyways?

Your name is ROXY LALONDE and you are currently very exasperated by a certain Englishman, being all too oblivious to everything you're saying. Wow, he's just so dumb you don't even know what to say anymore. How could your genius bro Dirk, who's programmed his own A.I, built his own robot and is the epitome of smarts fall for a dude like that? lmfoa 

TG: i  
TG: ok call me an ass for laughing but   
TG: l  
TG: m  
TG: a  
TG: o  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: I know.  
TT: How bad is it?  
TG: ok well fisrt of all he missed lyk 4 very obvs signs i dropped  
TG: FOUR dirk  
TG: fuckin four  
TG: and u LIKE this guy???  
TT: Yes.  
TT: So fucking much that its constantly leaving me in a vegetative state for the past two weeks.  
TT: I zombie the fuck out on more than one occasion several times a day thinking about him.  
TT: Yes, Roxy.  
TT: Yes, I like this guy.  
TG: that bad hih  
TG: *huh  
TG: but he do be kinda cute doe  
TG: I'd smash that ;)  
TT: Hey.  
TG: ok kiddong  
TG: *ding  
TG: chill there stridizzle im not gunna take yo mans   
TT: Thank you.  
TT: I can't stand the thought of having YOU as my rival of all people.  
TG: yet  
TG: ;)  
TT: Goddamnit.

This is entertaining. It's so cute how much Dirk likes this guy, it makes you kinda jealous nobody feels that way for you ;( It makes you a little frustrated too. Why don't these two dorks just kiss already? Saves everyone all the trouble. Of course, there's your beloved girl bffsy Janey to be considered, but like you said, a competition is a competition. 

But wouldn't you helping Dirk out be cheating though? 

Nah, couldn't be you, you say. You'd like to think of it as you're just a mere catalyst in the reaction. You don't alter the properties of the reactants nor are you used up in the reaction, but you just speed the end products right on up. Nothing wrong with that. Plus you think they'd look really cute together. Imagine a stoic blonde genius going out with an asshat brit. Like how funny and cute would that be??? Uhhhhhhh you'd say VERY.

TG: yes jakey im askin u if ur homosecksual  
GT: Um im not quite sure how to answer that question.  
TG: u put me thru a lot so u better  
GT: Well.  
GT: I guess you could say ive always considered it a possibility?  
GT: Not ruling out heterosexuality though.  
TG: ok so hypothetically if a guy were to ask u out would u go out w him  
GT: Depends on if hes a friend or just some rando creep ive never seen before in my life.  
GT: More likely to go out with a pal ive known for a while though.  
GT: Other than that ive got nothing to lose so yeah probably!  
TG: nicee  
TG: ur a good man  
GT: Okay can i ask you a question back then?  
TG: lol u already kinda did  
GT: A different one.  
TG: go ahead  
GT: Why do you ask?  
TG: oh  
TG: jsut curios  
GT: Uh huh.  
TG: aight luv to talk more but i gtg jakey  
GT: Now hold on just a second there roxy i dont think were quite finished here yet!  
TG: byeeere!

tipsyGnolstagic [TG] stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

tipsyGnolstagic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

TG: one more thing tho  
TG: u single?  
GT: Yes.  
TG: ight cool just checjin  
TG: luv u lots lol now srsly bye  
TG: ttyl? <3  
GT: *sigh* alright then roxy.  
GT: Cheers! <3

tipsyGnolstagic [TG] stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

Alright from what you've collected so far, Jake's cool with boys AND he's single. Mmm, you deserve an award for being such a great wingmaid. And you wouldn't worry about him questioning why you asked all those questions. I mean, have you SEEN him? That guy could see an obvious three kids in a trench coat and right away mistake them for an adult and provide them with their illegal needs without question. Heck, he'd probably buy it even without the glued-on googly-eyed fake ID they were gonna show him.

TG: update: jake englsh likes boyz  
TG: boo yeha  
TG: hea single too  
TG: *hes  
TG: treat me lunch  
TT: Fine.  
TG: i wnat subway  
TT: Now?  
TG: ya lets go  
TG: im puttin on my good pants as we spwak  
TG: *speak  
TG: u havent had lunch yet rihgt?  
TT: No.  
TG: looks like ur having a subway todyay  
TT: Alright, fine, let's just go.  
TG: aw yis  
TG: meet u at tha subway downtwn bb  
TG: dont b late <3

tipsyGnolstagic [TG] stopped pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


	5. She knows that you know you cant say no to that

Your name is ROXY LALONDE and you are getting ready for your subway date with your main man, Dirk. Boy howdy are you hungry, you havent eaten all day. 

You kinda missed breakfast from your most recent hangover. Obviously, you cant drive in this state, or walk for that matter so you decide to grab an uber to the nearest Subway.

ROXY: aight all giod to go  
ROXY: *good lol

Did you just physically corrected your typo? Did you just say the word lol? Yes, yes you did. 

All is good and you are texting your uber driver. You are so glad that Dirk messaged you this morning, or you wouldnt have woken up half an hour ago. Your hangover was so bad that if you werent woken up by Dirk's text, you would've stayed asleep until next Tuesday.

Then all of the sudden, your other bffsy Janey texts you. To which you gladly respond to, as you wait for your oovoo javer to arrive.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] started pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

GG: Hi, Roxy! :B  
TG: hi babez  
GG: And how would *you* be doing on such a fine Thursday afternoon?  
TG: oh im p chill rn  
TG: goin to go have some subway w ditk  
TG: *ditk  
TG: *ditk  
TG: DIRK  
TG: omg r/ihadastroke  
GG: That sound swell! :B  
GG: Wish I could say the same for myself.  
TG: what? 'Ditk'?  
GG: Hoo hoo! Not exactly. :B  
TG: oh u mean having a subway with him?  
TG: u could always join us yknow  
GG: No, it's okay, three's a crowd.  
TG: well ok suit urself  
TG: wbu  
GG: I'd say I'm doing pretty good too. Just wanted to come by and say hi.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: u never come by just to say hi wjats tye specisl ocassion  
TG: *special  
GG: ...  
GG: Well, if I really *must* say, it just so happens to be my 18th birthday next Tuesday!

Boy howdy now youre REALLY glad Dirk's text woke you up before you slept until next Tuesday. Youve been so drunk and the following hangovers youve been having are equally terrible that you wouldnt remember your OWN birthday even if you tried. For instance, when you woke up this morning, you thought today was last year.

You are glad that Jane reminded you of her birthday because now you have time to go scamper to get her a cool bday gift for her big day.

TG: so ur finally turnin 18 like the rest of us huh  
TG: happy 4 u gurl  
GG: It appears so! :B  
TG: so u want anything spescial 4 ur big day?  
TG: im offerin so do ur worse  
GG: *worst  
TG: thank  
GG: But oh Rox, I could never do that to you!  
GG: Well, maybe just once..  
TG: lmao ok shoot  
GG: ...  
GG: What if i wanted a date?   
TG: omg smooth  
TG: yeh sure <3  
GG: I think I should've phrased that more properly.  
GG: Not with you, silly! Hoo hoo!   
TG: fucj

Damn it, that transition was perfect and smooth af it wouldve made a perfect pickup line and she blew the chance. No Crocker booty for Ms Lalonde then ;( Hoe got her eyes fixated on one (1) man only.

And seeing as she's planning on going after him why not she just bust that one out to him instead-

No actually, you personally wouldnt want that since youre rooting for Dirk to win this one. After all, thats what youre here for, right? Not that im breaking the fourth wall or anything.

TG: figured  
TG: what r u schemin gurl  
GG: I plan on telling him my feelings as a treat for myself for my birthday this year! Shoot my shot and all that.  
GG: You know the guy.  
TG: ah yes the floor here i s mate outta floor  
TG: *is made lol  
TG: and ofc ;)  
GG: And we're all 18 this year so you know what that means! ;B  
TG: omg janey ur nasty  
TG: ur a nasty sicko janey  
TG: u rlly be waitin until ur 18 to get outta tjat good girl coccon  
TG: *coccoon  
GG: Cocoon.  
GG: And no, I'm not getting out of my good girl cocoon. Or any cocoon for that matter!  
GG: I was just pulling on your leg! Hoo hoo!  
TG: dont u hoouoo me u dirty gurl  
TG: *hoo  
TG: ha  
TG: hoo  
TG: tiki tiki  
TG: lmaoooioioooooooi  
GG: Hoo hoo!   
TG: ok but fr wjatre u schemin bc ik it doesnt stop there u sneaky lil pranksta  
GG: Haha! Well, obviously i can't do it alone!  
GG: Sooo.....  
TG: Sooio???  
GG: ...  
TG: ???  
GG: I need your help! 

Uh oh stinky. You cant help her, you're already helping Dirk out. And its with tha same fuckin GUY! Nope, not happening. You must reject her.

TG: soz cant do that  
GG: Aww, why not??  
GG: It's for my big 18th birthday. :((  
GG: Please?   
GG: I've never wanted anything more in my life!!  
GG: Girl code?   
TG: fucj

Oh no, she busted out the girl code on you. Not good. Not very good at all. Now you *have* to help her! You're sorry, Dirk, but you have to obey the girl code. Why, you ask? No plausible reason in particular, you just gotta.

TG: cant say no to tjat cna i?  
GG: Apparently.  
GG: Please say yes.  
TG: le siiiiiign  
TG: yeh sure  
GG: !!!!  
GG: Great!!  
GG: Thank you so much Roxy, you've made me the happiest girl alive!!!  
TG: lmao its chill 

Aww look at her go, she's so bubbly and happy and cute because you agreed on helping her out with her courtship for Jake. She's lucky to have a bffsy like you anyways.

GG: You are hands down the best wingmaid, Roxy, and I am very lucky to have you on my side!!  
TG: dawww shucks

What the fuck are you doing? Dirk asked your help first and he's way cuter with handling his infatuation towards Jake because the dirtiest thing his mind can come up with is premarital hand holding with him! At least, thats what he admits to. As his bffsy you'd know all too well whats goin on inside his head. Theres a lot of shit going on, like legit, but you know the thought of having Jake on his menu one of these nights have always been a constant thought. You dont blame him though, Jake's super hot.

GG: Can we start discussing the plan later tonight?  
GG: We can do it at my place! I know you like my cookies ;B All my baking supplies are here so I can ensure you the best cookies you'll taste for days.  
GG: The discussion period can also double as a sleepover!   
TG: Aw fuck janey u know just how to win me iver  
TG: u crazy son of a bitch im in  
GG: Great! I'll see you then!  
GG: If this succeeds, you may have just given me the best birthday gift ever!  
GG: You're the best!! <3

gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

ROXY: oh ni

You say as you uber driver pulls up in front of you.


	6. Weird menu item name

Your name is DIRK STRIDER. Gee, do I really have to remind you who you are in every single chapter? Yes, yes I do. Because then you wouldn't know who you are and that would be just swell, wouldn't it? Anyways, you are currently making your way downtown, walking fast to a Subway place conveniently located for both you and Roxy. She sure has her cravings getting the best of her but you're not complaining. You mean, she DID help you out with your Jake Crisis (tm).

As you are walking down the streets, you take a look around and you see some people looking at you funny. Maybe its the triangular shades you rock. They're probably just jealous, you thought to yourself, but in reality, you're just an oddball, man, you can't back outta that one. And you are a weeb. And you are a brony. So what's the point in even trying? Fuck it, let's just get out of the house with anime shades, a cool do and your trademark fingerless gloves you say. Not only that, you're wearing a white buttoned up tee and black slacks that really highlights your huge fuckin belt. You totally stand out.

Why a buttoned up tee instead of your usual white tshirt with an orange cap printed on it you ask? Well, you're a little kooky to be wearing that every single time you step outside as if that's the only piece of shirt you own, but you feel like you needed to dress a little fancier for Roxy later. You mean, she DID say she was wearing some fine ass pants earlier. Can't go wrong with that. At least you FEEL pretty though. You had really fresh kicks on too. Wicked.

And soon after, you arrived at the friendly establishment. Or at least it was friendly ENOUGH?? You wouldn't know.

It appears that you are the first one to arrive. Great. Now you have to stand around outside until Roxy gets there. Hopefully she doesn't ditch you.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Hey, please don't ditch me.  
TG: im not im not i swear  
TG: im just aroind the corne rcalm ur sweet tits doen  
TT: Okay.

Not to come off as insecure or anything, but you've been feeling really off lately. Like, it's as if something's wrong, you can feel it (six minutes-). It's either that or it's your terrible butt awful infatuation towards Jake. You know, as they say, this type of thing kinda drives you crazy in a way. You've got that, AND your crippling self awareness making you conscious of everything that's happening if you is gonna go wrong as a bonus. Okay, maybe you're a LITTLE insecure. For now. The rest of time you're pretty epic.

Just as your thoughts were put on pause, you feel a cold pair of hands slipped underneath your shades, covering your eyes. Normally your reflexes would be a lot faster and you'd be able to dodge that, but like I said, you're a mess.

ROXY: guesz whi  
ROXY: *who  
ROXY: fuck i juts gave it awya didnt i  
DIRK: And you're not even gonna give me a hug? Disgraceful.  
ROXY: alright alroght fine cmere u big bby

She let you go, and you turn around to give her a hug. Not like you havent seen her for years, but you feel like you needed one. And she seemed to need one too.

ROXY: there there big guy  
DIRK: Why're your hands cold?  
ROXY: i wuz nervuous? heheh  
DIRK: I see.  
DIRK: And these just so happened to be the fanciest pants you had?

You commented on the pair of ripped jeans she had on. They're black. Roxy was also party rocking a white collared tee with a pretty cool floral viney-looking pattern on her shoulders. She looks pretty. The style suits her. And by the way you two are dressed, you both match really well! Power couple at its best. You will never see a better one. Ever.

ROXY: ya and lemme tell u putting these babez on half drunk was NOT the greatset adventurn  
ROXY: *greatest  
ROXY: as soon as my foot meets a rip it goes whee lmao  
DIRK: Well, you look rad.  
ROXY: ur not too bad urself, nerd

Finally you guys stop hugging. People were starting to stare. What? As if they've never seen two best brohoes before. You and Roxy are like peanut and butter. Well, that's not exactly- but yeah, whatever, you get my point, right? Not MY fault everyone staring can't have a relationship THIS good. You and Roxy are very comfortable around each other, to an extent that you'd be as socially ungraceful as possible that you get kicked out of places and feel great about it. Didn't really need that much explaining but ok.

You both enter the establishment. Roxy hurries on over to the counter, behind two other people ahead of her, bouncing with excitement. She really wanted the stupid sandwich that bad, huh? You waltzed on over by her side and took a glance at the stuff they've got to offer on that menu sign thing they've got up behind all the employees working the counter.

ROXY: mm what should i get oh boy oh boy this is a golden opportunity  
DIRK: You really that hungry?  
ROXY: starved, bby  
DIRK: People are gonna think we're dating.  
ROXY: this is a date  
DIRK: Fair.  
ROXY: i want the FEAST  
ROXY: please  
ROXY: pl e as e  
ROXY: pls  
ROXY: pl eaae  
ROXY: plz  
DIRK: The Feast?  
DIRK: I don't see it on the menu.  
ROXY: das bc its a secret menu option u amature  
ROXY: its got roast beef turkey ham peperoni and salami  
ROXY: makes 4 the ultimate meat lovers dresm on a sanwich  
ROXY: i also want 2x cheeze  
DIRK: Are you a fucking carnivore?  
DIRK: That shit sounds unhealthy as fuck.  
ROXY: says the dude who survivs on chips and orang crush  
ROXY: r u a gamer?  
ROXY: hmmmmmmmmm??????  
DIRK: I'm not getting you The Feast, Roxy.  
ROXY: aww cmon im off my fucking diet here  
DIRK: No.  
ROXY: ok but wjat if we sharr  
ROXY: *share  
DIRK: I am not eating that.  
ROXY: please????  
ROXY: omfg u r obligated to treat me lyk a kween 2day  
ROXY: i get what i want and i want THA FEAST  
ROXY: chop chop  
ROXY: ple a s e   
DIRK: I didn't know you were a meat lover.  
ROXY: therere a lotta things u dont know abiut me ;)  
DIRK: I'll settle for that thing on that menu with a ridiculously stupid name.  
ROXY: wher  
DIRK: Look at where I'm pointing.  
ROXY: ohhh u mean tha  
ROXY:

## Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt

DIRK: Okay but you didn't have to say it like that, Jesus.  
ROXY: ur no fun  
DIRK: Healthy Roxy is good Roxy.  
ROXY: fine but im not sharing  
DIRK: Fine by me.  
ROXY: so u hv 2 starve  
DIRK: Fine by me.  
ROXY: nO  
DIRK: Shrug.  
ROXY: u must get tha  
ROXY:

## Subway's Pick

DIRK: Jesus.  
ROXY: its good  
DIRK: Okay I'm trusting you on this one.  
ROXY: (sucka)  
DIRK: What was that?  
ROXY: i love u <3  
DIRK: Yeah right.  
ROXY: thanks for evaraythin bby come gimme a smoochies  
DIRK: Fuck no.  
ROXY: dont push me away lyk that yknow u want it  
DIRK: Stop.  
ROXY: mwah mwsh moi muwah  
DIRK: Okay Roxy we get it.  
ROXY: ur loss  
DIRK: And my loss it will be.  
EMPLOYEE: May i help you two?

Ah, yes, the comical interruption of an otherwise really fun conversation between you and Roxsters. You then answer with yeah can I get uhhhhhhhhh to which Roxy laughs her heart out and says dont be so fuckin stupid omfg. Enough fooling around, this is very out of character of you. But then again, you're with Roxy, so you couldn't care less. You tell the fine gent at the counter that you wanted that stupidly embarrassing to say named thing and the pick of the day. Roxy corrects you and says no no its

## Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt

and

## Subway's Pick.

You facepalm really hard but you still love Roxy and she looks like she's having the time of her life and how could you take that away from her? Say it she says. You say no. Please? She begged. The employee offering his services to you both was laughing quietly to himself in hopes that you don't notice. You tell Roxy why don't YOU order then? And she says but I wnat YOY to say it. *you. And you're like oh my god are you seriously doing this right now?, but you couldn't help but be entertained by her a little. She said yes. pls? just once? for me? pretty pls with an orang slice on top? *orange.

You sigh.

DIRK: This LaDy would like a

## Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt

and I'll have the

## Subway's Pick.

And you've never seen Roxy so happy.


	7. Sorry but the girl code is the girl code ;(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who just learnt to write in colour

Of course you'd want to be on the receiving end of this date as well, so in this chapter, you are ROXY LALONDE, having just ordered the chicken bacon ranch melt for yourself, courtsey of Dirk Strider. Whoops, I mean

## Chicken bacon ranch melt.

Your order is being done by the friendly employee who laughed along to your shenanigans with Dirk from earlier, and you happily insisted on waiting by the counter while Dirk reserved a seat for the both of you. Typically, it'd be the other way around, but as if you both care. You stand by the counter and watch as Dirk makes his way to an empty table nearby. You wave at him and he shook his head, which made you smile a little.

ROXY: so hiw long hv u worked here.  
ROXY: not uh comin onto u or snythign  
ROXY: *anything

It's a habit of yours to strike up a conversation with strangers like this. The more pals, the merrier, you say. You're a very outgoing and friendly person. Therefore, you have the confidence to say that out of all your bffsies you are the one with the most friends. 

EMPLOYEE: Oh, not long actually.  
EMPLOYEE: I started working here around a week and a half ago.  
EMPLOYEE: And dont worry, I see how you and your boyfriend are right now ;)   
ROXY: omg lol  
ROXY: hes nit my bf  
ROXY: im juts a mere wibgmaid for him and HIS future bf  
ROXY: *wingmaid  
ROXY: hes treatin me 2day bc im so good at my job  
EMPLOYEE: I see.  
EMPLOYEE: Thats hard to believe though, because you look like you should be dating.  
ROXY: unfortunatlay it aint so ;(   
ROXY: i gotta break the news 2 him tho  
EMPLOYEE: News?  
ROXY: ya 1 of my other bffsies has tha same crush as him and she wants me 2 b her wibgmaid too  
ROXY: i coulda said no but she used the girl code on me bro  
EMPLOYEE: *gasp* nO.  
ROXY: ikr so now idk how to tell him i cant help him anymoer bc girl code yk? :/ 

Not long after your sandwiches are done. Dirk had given you his wallet to pay for whetever it was you wanted so you decide to abuse that power and snag a few of the subway cookies as a treat and maybe a death wish too. God, you are so nervous to tell him. Why'd you think your hands were so cold when you were covering his eyes earlier? Thank God your nervous didnt show when you were bullshitting with him just now but let me it you it gets close.

You thank the employee and proceed to the Drank™️ machine and filled both your cups with some carbonated drinks. You grab a large coke, and you have a feeling Dirk would like the orange fanta. Just a hunch.

Then, you walk to your table and sit across Dirk, setting your lunches on said table.

ROXY: bone appetite  
DIRK: Bon appetit.  
ROXY: bone appetite  


And you start chowing down immediately. Damn, were you hungry. Being nervous sure is taxing. If it weren't for you wanting to drag Dirk all the way out here for a stupid sandwich you would've just laid wasted on you pile of sweaters at home and not have eaten the entire day, waking up the next morning feeling like death and receiving Jane's messages with a splitting headache and, well, to put it simply, when you consider all the horrid things that could happen today if only you just DIDN'T go out with Dirk, you'd say you were pretty happy being there with him. 

You look at Dirk as he kind of just picks at his sandwich in a long and distant daze. You read somewhere that people had these looks that they make when they were lovestruck, but you can't quite exactly see that in Dirk's current state. He just looks really depressed. 

ROXY: hey u look rlly depressed  
DIRK: Hm?  
ROXY: dont hm me i can read u like i can read the subway menu better than u  
ROXY: thinkin about hin again?  
ROXY: *him  
DIRK: Yeah.  
ROXY: well ur not doin it roght  
DIRK: Don't talk with your mouth full.  
ROXY: ok i swallow  
ROXY: ;)  
ROXY: as i wuz sayin  
ROXY: u aint doin it right  
DIRK: Excuse me?  
ROXY: here lemme show u

You set your sandwich down and wipe your sauce-stained fingers (and face) with some napkins you had in your tray. You then proceed to sit in Dirk's posture, straight (ironically enough) and begin to pick at your own half-eaten food, which sort of makes you look more than half as pleasing as Dirk did when HE was zoning out. You maintain a daze, fixed on your sandwich, and you sigh lovingly. 

ROXY: oh sandwichy  
  
Dirk snorted a little but tried to cover it up with a cough. You snap out of your own unconsciously established trance. Damn, you were a pretty good actress, feeling up all the emotions as you act out the situation.  


ROXY: whats so funny wise guy?  
DIRK: I'm sorry, please continue.  
ROXY: nah u ruined the mood ;(  
DIRK: Drats.  
ROXY: now if ull excuse me i have more impirtant mattress to attend to  


You continue scarfing down your sandwich in the most barbaric manner that someone HAS to be aroused from that. Dirk just shakes his head at you and continues to kinda pick at his sandwich. You were a little ticked off. How dare he disrespect his sandwichy like that? All sandwiches are queens, Strider! 

So you, with your filthy sauce covered hands pick it the fuck up for him and shove it in his face. With your mouth filled to the brim with sandwich stuffed in it, you manage, eat ur fuckin sandwich. He shakes his head saying, not like that I'm not gonna. And you try hard to swallow the stuff you had in your mouth to continue, but if it aint like this then you aint gonna be eatign at all! And he says, Roxy you're making a huge mess and you're wearing a white shirt, be more careful. He then grabs some napkins to wipe your face with, you filthy, filthy animal. /p>

You almost feel embarrassed. 

ROXY: i almost feel embarrisd  
DIRK: It's okay.  
ROXY: careful dirky  
ROXY: ppl are gon think were dating ;)  
DIRK: Well.  
DIRK: This is a date.  
ROXY: awwwwwewewe :D  
DIRK: Don't get any ideas though.  
ROXY: oh  
ROXY: yeah  
ROXY: no i would never  
ROXY: heh

He tilted his head. That's it, you blew your cover. No use starting up another Mr Sandwichy smoochy smoochy act anymore. You've filled up your stomach just enough so that you have enough energy to think and the sufficient sobriety to form proper sentences to not jumble things up when you finally stop fumbling around and decide to actually fucking tell him. 

ROXY: listen dirky i need to tell you sumn  
DIRK: Yes?  
ROXY: id hate 2 b tha bearer of bad mews  
ROXY: *news lol  
ROXY: but lyk  
ROXY: um i cant be ur wingmaid anymore  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Oh okay, I understand.  
ROXY: you do?? i havent even explained why so suddenlay yet!  
DIRK: No need.  
DIRK: Question though.  
ROXY: yea?  
DIRK: Your earrings.  
ROXY: oh i forgot i had them on  
DIRK: Would it hurt if I pull on them?  
ROXY: well- yea, of course it would- owowowOW OW DIRK STOP IT OW FUCK  


Dirk is literally tugging hARD on your earrings and it fucking hurt like hell. Since you didn't notice it earlier, I'll be the one to tell you that you are wearing those large cirular lookin wire earrings which make for a great place to hang other earrings like keychains on it but also a good handle to pull on and torture you with. You actually start to tear up a little, why is he being so mean??? 

Ok but in all honesty it was kinda adorable how he was freaking out like that though. And it was also kinda your fault to begin with so you let him have his way with you until he eventually calms down. Then you both sort of just stood in silence with your sandwiches sitting, staling between the two of you, being exposed to the air. You sort of avoid eye contact for a while, rubbing your ear to ease the pain Dirk put on it. At least he didn't pull your entire ear off, you guess. People stared at you, of course. But when exactly have they ever ceased in doing that? And when exactly have you ceased making scenes. And when exactly did you cease not caring either.

Note to self: they shouldnt be around people. 

ROXY: u calmed ur tits down yet?  
DIRK: Yes.  
ROXY: can i explain myself now?  
DIRK: Yes.  
DIRK: Please.  
ROXY: im sorry dirky but i really, REALLY cant help u no more  
ROXY: like i am so sorry i could almost offer to compensate for this by saying that 2days lunch is on me  
ROXY: almost  
ROXY: but lyk i got no money  
ROXY: im sorry  
DIRK: Just.  
DIRK: Explain yourself already.

Aw man, he looked so broken and you feel like you've just betrayed a lost puppy and part of you really wanted to cry and hug him, so you get up from your seat, scoot over into his, hug him and burst out crying as if YOU were the victim in the predicament. Which you technically are, by the way.  


ROXY: im soooorry *sob*  
ROXY: juts this mornign janey texted mw and said that her bithrhday was coming up snd *sob*  
ROXY: snd she said she wantde *sob sob* she wanted to confess to jakey and she ciuldnt do it alonw  
ROXY: so she axed me to HeLp her and she used the gril code on meeeeeee  
ROXY: and i obv cioudlnt *sob* say no bc girl codeeeee *sob*  
ROXY: im sooooooooooooorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

He cups a hand over your mouth because you were being too loud. His other hand, he snakes it around your shoulders and pets your head, giving you a small hint of reassurance. He could never stay mad at you, and you were pretty sure he understood the situation. I mean, given if he was in your shoes, he'd probably would've done the same thing. He doesn't have to tell you that for you to know. 

DIRK: It's okay.  
DIRK: I understand.  
DIRK: Seriously this time.  
ROXY: thanks for not being mad  
DIRK: Oh I'm mad alright.  
ROXY: gulp  
DIRK: Like MAD mad.  
ROXY: gulp x2  
DIRK: But it wouldn't be right of me to.  
ROXY: phew  
DIRK: You don't have to help me out if you don't want to.  
ROXY: but  
ROXY: but i do!  
DIRK: Make up your mind, lady.  
ROXY: urgh  
ROXY: look i rlly wanna help u but i cant u dig?  
ROXY: and again  
ROXY: rlly sorry 4 dat  
DIRK: It's fine.  
ROXY: ill find a way to make it work  
DIRK: You don't have to force yourself.  
DIRK: It's really okay.

You bite your lip, frustrated at how this conundrum is making you feel guilty and so disorganized. You really WANT to make this work. You really WANT your best bro Dirk to win that English ass. You really do! But the girl code is the girl code. There's nothing you can do about it. 

Or is there? 

Dirk escorts you home, and on the quite lengthy journey there, you think up a plan to make this happen. You are the world's best wingmaid. And you are NOT about to let shit flop just because of a childish game of girl codes. 


	8. Jane's birthday is soon!! I told you dawg!!

Your name is DIRK STRIDER and you were just cucked by your best friend, ROXY LALONDE. However, you cant stay mad at her.

If you were put in HER shoes, you would have probably done the same, as shamefully childish it seems to be. The bro code. Respected, as it should be, by a stone hard bro like you.

You escort her home and she hugs you goodbye, repeating apologetic words to you because she's just THAT sorry. She says that she'll find a way to make things work for you and you tell her that it's fine and she's done more than enough. Of course, she stays stubborn and she says that she's going to do it anyways, to which you sighed and pulled away from the hug, giving her a reassuring shrug.

Then all you had left to do was walk to your own home to waste away for the rest of the day. Maybe stop by a local grocery store, get a tub of ice cream and look forward to eating it while binging some My Little Pony to make yourself feel better. 

What? My Little Pony is your comfort show.

And you do just that. 

You walk into the grocery store, get your favourite, most ironic flavour of ice cream and proceed to make your way to your apartment.

You walk into your living room where (unfortunately instead of your bedroom) the best tv is located, stripped to your breeches, and placed yourself on the couch with your tub of vanilla ice cream.

Then you turn on the tv, go to your favourite show, and let it sing to the tune of your depression. And whats worse, you realize that you dont have a spoon to eat your ice cream with, making you mope a little before getting up to get one.

Just as you stand from the couch, your phone in the pocket of your pants on the floor vibrates and lights up. A message came.

What now, you sigh. You lazily go over to your sad pair of slacks and bend over to pick it up. 

It vibrates again. Several times. 

Must be Roxy, you thought. 

You boot up pesterchum and look at your incoming messages.

GT: Aloe, dear biffle!  
GT: How might YEW be doing on this foine day?  
GT: Haha get it?  
GT: I typed in my bri ish accent :D

You almost stumbled back when you saw those messages. Its HIM. Okay, okay, be COOL.

TT: Ha.

Fuck.

GT: Well gee strider cant you be a little more enthused?  
TT: No, I'm ecstatic to see a text from you.   
GT: I raise my eyebrow to that.  
TT: It's true.  
GT: Oh!   
GT: Well in that case i also think that getting a text back from you is the cat's pajamas!

Damn, he is such a dork, and you are so in love with him right now. You would trade the world to be with him at this instant. Maybe make out a little.

GT: Anyways lets real talk.  
GT: Dear janes birthday is coming soon and ill be damned if i dont waltz into her party with a surprise  
GT: Its been a while since ive in sooth appeared at her parties in the flesh because of the distance we have, living space-wise you see?  
GT: So i was wondering if itd be jolly good with you if i stayed over a couple of days before her birthday to make a show when the day comes  
GT: Pretty please with a cherry on top?  
GT: Shell be so happy!

You almost drop your phone. Hell yeah you say to having Jake English in the flesh with you for a couple of days, even if its for Jane's sake. That's your chance to make a move. It's basically yelling your name, the sweet siren of your first love.

The only downside is you might ruin Jane's bithday by taking away the man of her dreams and making him yours. Cant really blame you though, Jake's the hottest guy you've ever seen. Next to yourself, that is.

But get this: Jane didnt tell you she wanted to confess to Jake, rather, you got that info from Roxy, so she can't blame you for knowing not to steal her man pre-birthday. Because you technically dont. That's ONE worry free from your head.

Now all you have to do is just live the rest of your life knowing you ruined her chances anyways. Even though she wont be the one blaming you for it, did you really think you could run away from blaming yourself?

TT: What are you planning to do? Appear in her birthday cake? Cause I'm pretty sure the gal would bake her own. Can't say I see a way for you to make your way inside it without her noticing.  
GT: Drats, so that crosses one off of the list.  
GT: I actually didnt think as far into the plan as you mightve. I was just planning to show up.  
TT: She *would* be really happy, though.  
GT: Yeah!  
GT: So im going to need a yes or a no from you, mate.   
GT: Please say its tickety-boo.  
TT: Hmmmm...  
TT: I don't know, English, you're gonna have to convince me.  
GT: Jeepers, strider you have got to be pulling on my leg!  
TT: I'm naked in my living room, my ice cream is melting, and I'm missing my MLP rerun to text you, Jake, do you think I'm fucking with you?  
GT: Gulp.  
GT: Um.  
GT: Bro code?  
TT: Fuck.

You know you cant say no to that. You said it yourself, in this same chapter of the story, actually, that even though you think its a childish concept, you wouldnt say no to it. And in this case, especially since its Jake English. Plus, who in their right mind would refuse to let him stay over? Couldnt be you.

GT: I dont play dirty, strider, so I really dont want to use the bro code against you for such a petty reason  
TT: No it's fine. Come over. No bro code needed.  
TT: I was just messing with you.  
GT: Called it.  
GT: Then I'll be there as early as morrow!  
GT: No promises on that though but i can guarantee you however that I'll stop by before next tuesday haha  
GT: Or should i say  
GT: Chewsday  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: Dont make me change my mind, Jake.  
GT: I wont i wont!!!  
GT: Your the best.  
GT: Toodleloo!

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: *You're.

Damn, so you're going to have Jake inside your apartment as early as tomorrow for the next couple of days. That's pretty epic bro.

You have to make sure you make a move before Jane's birthday or ELSE. This is not a drill. It's the real deal, dawg.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic  [TG]

TT: Jake's staying over at my place.  
TT: Just thought I should tell you.  
TG: oh yea ik

What?

TT: What?


	9. The sly dawg purrs

TG: u heard me  
TT: Naturally, I WOULD have heard you, but I'm going to need you to repeat that once again just for safe keeping.  
TG: ur such a dork lol  
TG: i said i know  
TT: How DID you know??  
TG: ur a bright fella di-strizzle im suprised dat u havent put the peaces together yet  
TG: it was meeeeeee  
TG: i set u uppppppopoopppp  
TG: *uppppp  
TT: I'm.  
TT: Still a little confused, would you mind repeating that again?  
TG: u rlly want me to xplain from a 2 z huh  
TT: That would be appreciated, definitely.   
TG: na dirky a magician never reveels her secrats  
TG: *secrets  
TG: all ur pretty lil ass has 2 do is sit bacc and enjoy tha ride ;D  
TG: juts leave it 2 me bby  
TT: I have mixed feelings about this.  
TG: yea and im p sure theyre not 2b discussed thru text soooo  
TT: Fair.   
TG: ok then c u later bro i gotta hang w janey to avoid bein sus  
TT: Alright then.  
TT: I suppose I should thank you.  
TG: dont thank me yet  
TG: u make that man urs and wehn tha time comes give him a thrust 4 me ok ;)   
TT: Oh my fucking God.  
TG: the rest a ur payment details can b discussed later ;))))   
TT: Fine.  
TT: You ARE doing me a great favour, so I guess something can be arranged.   
TG: later babz! <3 

tipsyGnostalgic  TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

You drop your pants on the floor and tossed your phone onto it, ensuring its landing is soft. You then land yourself on the couch, reaching for a Hatsune Miku body pillow that just happened to be lying around, burying your face in it, grinning like an idiot. You're gonna have to hide it later but for now, what do you care?

Jake's gonna come to your house. You'll have him all to yourself for a couple of days. If all goes well, you might even go as far as having him as your next dinner. Ahh, no, thatd be thinking too far ahead of yourself. But... Cant a guy just let his thoughts run wild once in a while?

The thought of having him in such a close proximity drives you crazy, you dont even know if youd have the strength to contain yourself when he's here. 

Ah.

You stop dead in your tracks. You slowly sit up and collect yourself. Damn, you really like this guy. You clear your throat a little. Gotta be careful not to lose yourself when he's right in front of you. For shame, how you geek out whenever you think about him, for shame. 

You've gotta think of a way to control yourself later. But for now, you think you need long, long session in the bathroom, you blush.

In the meantime as you go take care of your little problem, I decide to transfer the narrative over to our favourite Englishman. 

You are now JAKE ENGLISH, and you are spending some quality time with your grandmother. FINALLY that dame quits her work for a bit to hang out with you. You've been waiting all day!

JADE: you in the mood for a pumpkin pie?   
JAKE: You bet your bottom dollar i am!    
JADE: alright then, let's go bake some!!   
JAKE: Oh, grandma, speaking of baking, you know that dear Janey's birthday is coming up pretty soon  
JAKE: I was planning on visiting her this year for said occasion  
JAKE: Shes turning 18, dont you think i should do something to make it special?   
JADE: oh, isnt that the nice girl that made you those lovely pastries on YOUR 18th birthday last year?  
JADE: ive never tasted anything quite like it!! :0    
JAKE: Thats the lass!    
JADE: so are you planning to fly over to her town?    
JAKE: Not exactly.  
JAKE: I was planning to stay over at dirks house first a few days prior  
JAKE: If thats okay with you, grandma   
JADE: of course, dear.   
JADE: its that guy with the funky shades right?    
JAKE: Yessiree!

She smiles a little at you, raising some suspicion.

JAKE: What are YOU smiliing at?   
JADE: nothing, nothing! ;)   
JAKE: Did you just wink at me?  
JAKE: If i didnt know any better id say youre up to something, dear grandma!   
JADE: what?? no, of course not! ;D   
JAKE: Uh huh   
JADE: anywho-  
JADE: im down to let you stay over at that nice young mans house.  
JADE: as long as you dont do anything i wouldnt do, okay?   
JAKE: Roger that!

As you were having that conversation, you were both happily bonding over making some pumpkin pie, your favourite! Which is also very convenient because pumpkins seem to be one of the only things that grow in your nan's home botanical garden. Your grandma is very lucky to have a grandson that would be more than happy to oblige consuming the fruits of her garden.

Sure, your grandma's pies aren't as mean as Jane's, but you appreciate the amount of effort she puts in to serve you some anyways. It has a nice and loving grandma touch that you would never ever under any circumstance say no to.

Usually when you decide to bake together, you'd be the one who fetches all the ingredients and be the manpower for mixing, and your grandma would be the one who leads and sort of guide you through the recipe. You rarely had to buy your ingredients for the pies, since your grandma's garden had it all! And in any case you DID have to buy your ingredients, you would usually obtain them via online purchasing, and a drone would deliver them to your house. Sometimes your grandma would go outstation for her work as a physicist and that would be your chance to milk out some city goods.

You spend most of your time in solitude, having to live in such an isolated location. You dont mind though, since it lets you stand on your own two feet. Besides, it's not like your grandma has ever abandoned you there for more than a few months. She loves you and you love her, and you understand that she has work to do. Though, you can't help but wish you had a little company while she's gone now and then.

JADE: since you're going to be gone for a few days i suppose you wouldnt mind if i just so happen to do the same?   
JAKE: Whatever could you mean?   
JADE: i'm gonna go conduct another experiment somewhere out there. Physicist stuff, you know how it goes.   
JAKE: I see! Of course i wouldnt mind.   
JADE: does that nice friend of yours mind if you stay a while?  
JADE: you know i feel bad whenever i have to leave you behind like that :((   
JAKE: Its okay, really! I dont mind!   
JADE: youre so sweet, dearie and i know you dont mind but i figure youd appreciate some company while im gone for once!   
JAKE: Of course, but i wouldnt want to burden strider!  
JAKE: Besides, im already pretty comfortable with what ive got now.   
JADE: hm..  
JADE: do you have a girlfriend yet?   
JAKE: What!!   
JADE: do you have a girlfriend yet??   
JAKE: ...What!!   
JADE: do you-   
JAKE: Yes, yes, i get it but why so suddenly?   
JADE: you seem so lonely :c   
JAKE: Haha, thats all hornswaggle! Im doing just fine if you ask me!  
JAKE: I have a best friend if that counts.   
JADE: that dirk kid?   
JAKE: Yeah! He always keeps me company when youre gone.   
JADE: i see!! :0  
JADE: i mean...  
JADE: i see ;0   
JAKE: ',:?   
JADE: youll probably have an awesome time when you stay over at his place then.  
JADE: you both seem really close ;0   
JAKE: Indeed we are!  
JAKE: Hes the best.   
JADE: when do you plan on leaving?   
JAKE: As early as tomorrow if thats okay.   
JADE: awesome!  
JADE: ill send you off then i guess?  
JADE: youre okay with fending for yourself without me?   
JAKE: Grandma, im not a kid anymore!!   
JADE: ah just checking ;D   
JAKE: Thank you for your concern then, good dame ahaha   
JADE: no problem baby <3   
JAKE: <3

As the pie is baked in the oven you continued having meaningful conversations with your grandma as if that moment was your very last with her. WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT, I'm not sAtaN- It's just that you seldom have this much time with her recently because she's so busy and DEFINITELY NOT GONNA DiE. Then all you could think about is how much of a great time you're going to have with your best chum, DIRK STRIDER, as early as tomorrow. He's such a swell pal, isn't he? You're going to have so much fun spending time with him and two of your other best friends. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you didn't expect me to change between POVs in one chapter huh? Ahaha


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